dear boyfriend

just so you know, i have eaten more chocolate with you than i have with anyone ever. your emails make me smile. they often make my day. i sleep in your shirts when you are gone. i may always be a little awkward but i hope i always make you smile. did you know i often chuckle a bit when picking up your dirty socks? when the house is a mess after a weekend together, i smile because we had fun. you couldn't be more perfect if you tried. when i look into your eyes i see forever. it doesn't scare me. that is what scares me.

dear one day husband

i will never be perfect. i may seem it at times but i assure you i am far from it. i want to be a mom so badly it hurts. i want to be married. i want it more than anything. but only with you. i have never seen a white dress until our first week together. the feelings i had for you so suddenly sent me running, if only in my mind. i couldn't see the forest for the trees. all i saw was you. and me. forever. i thought i may vomit. if you know me at all you know i hate vomit. when we have children, you will have to be on vomit duty. always. i may always fill our closet with so many clothes you can't walk but i promise to always give you the small fork, just like you like. i promise to love you, gray hair, no hair, it doesn't matter. my love for you just can't be stopped. and it scares the living hell out of me. life without you isn't a life i want to know again.

love,
me

dear future past. present and me i long to be

one day you will look back on you, the you are right this moment with longing. you will appreciate the way you look as only a wiser you can. hopefully no big regrets will cross your mind, but lets be honest we know us and that simply could not be true. i will forever be too hard on myself. too critical. i may forever sing and dance even though i probably shouldn't. although i won't always do it when someone is watching. i will most likely be alone. i will forever have a fear of sharing my thoughts with the general public. i will forever say i love you to the boyfriend too many times a day. so many times in fact, i hope he doesn't tire of the words. i hope he doesn't tire of me. i hope to outgrow my insecurities. my inability to say the words when they are needed. my incessant need to write to fill the void in my mind. the thoughts i don't know are there until my fingers hit the keypad. i hope to grow old along side the man i currently sleep beside. i hope to have a garden full of kids. to be the mom who makes the best cookies. the house every kid wants to visit. please don't let us grow old and alone with too many cats. we like cats but not that much. don't let me get me. don't let me over criticize and destroy what's left of me. you have hurt yourself enough. just sit back and enjoy what's laid in front of you.right.at.this.moment. take the time,enjoy this ride. every little pain,every bridge crossed,every tear shed and smile given. breathe and take it all in.